Today/yesterday (sometime in the late night) someone from my school killed himself. He was a senior, and he was going to be graduating high school today. He was supposed to speak at graduation. Now he never will.
I had originally heard that he died in a car accident. But it was nothing bad. Just a little fender bender. Then I heard that his dad was bitching him out. My brother (who knew him pretty well) said that he thought the boy hung himself. I don't know.
When I heard about the car accident, I was praying and praying to God that Mason hadn't died. I said it was okay if he got hurt because then he would at least be alive. When I found out that it was suicide, I turned to God and said, "When I said that I didn't want him to die in a car accident, I didn't mean it was okay for him to kill himself!" I got so angry with God for letting Mason do that. So angry. Then I thought about the boy that died in a car accident four years ago. He died a week after graduation. I got more upset. Why did he have to die? Then I thought about the girl in my class who died back in October. She was only 15. Why did she have to die? Now I'm thinking about the boy who died my oldest brother's sophomore year (they knew each other). Why did he have to step off that cliff while taking a picture? Why did Loren have to die after having a baby? Why did Tim have to get into a car accident? Why did Mason have to kill himself? There are so many why's, but not enough answers.
After I calmed down and let out some tears, I opened my Bible. I looked in the concordance under 'death' just to see what verses I would find. Ecclesiastes 7:2 came up. But I'd like to start it from 7: "A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning that to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorry is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning..."
This really got to me. I know that we all die in the end, but why do some people have to go so much earlier than others? Why do some have to take their own lives? I just... I guess I'll never really know, unless I get the chance to have a heart-to-heart with God when *I* die.
One more why: (or several more): Why does his family have to plan a funeral when they had just been planning stuff for graduation? Why did he decide to do it? Why did his dad (supposedly) have to yell at him so much about the fender bender? Why is the only stuff I remember my friends saying about him up til now bad stuff? Why can't I remember anything good? Why is there not one good thing? Has this been building up for a long time? Did he look at comments in his yearbook and see that people wrote that he was 'kind of a douche'? Did those things make him sad? If he'd been planning suicide for a while, was it going to be after graduation? Or had he been planning this for a while? Was it spur of the moment, I'm done with everything? Did he regret it once he knew it was too late to turn around?
I'm going to be playing at graduation in less than 12 hours. How many tears and missed notes will be for him?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
First thing I have to tell you, is that I am so glad that you prayed then turned to scripture after finding this out. I really commend you for that. And like you read in Job, it's not a sin to be angry. I'm really not sure what to say. I'm just glad you wrote this. I also wanted to say that God's still there, even though this is so difficult. Those things said about going on through the hard times... the only way any of us can REALLY do that is by trusting in God to get us through it. It's really bleak right now, but He's still here. Although we don't (and maybe can't) know the answer, He's still here. He still has a plan, even though it's impossible to know what good could possibly come from this, and all these young lives being cut short. But He's still here, He still has a plan, and somehow good will come out of it.
Love you, Leah. You're so strong, and a great, amazing friend to all the people you care for, including me. Thank you.
And thank you for calling and talking even though it was incredibly late. I pray that you sleep well.
Leah, I really don't know what to say other than, I'm sorry. It's a tragedy when someone dies. It's far worse when someone kills themselves. It must be really hard for you right now, trying to understand all of this. People spend their whole lives wondering why. Why live? Why die? A lot of people don't get an answer. It all comes in time. I hope you get your answers Leah, and be strong until then.
And also, I think you will have that chance to ask God your questions when you die. And I think you'll have your answers there. But until then, I'm sure there are some you will receive. And I prayed endlessly for peace last night, for those effected by this tragedy. I hope that you feel that peace. I'm sorry to keep commenting on this entry again.
Post a Comment